Show me a person who says he trusts others and I’ll show you a person who has seldom been hurt. When it comes to trust, the truth of the matter is that it is hard for most of us because we have all been hurt to various degrees by various people in our lives.

The older I get, the less I trust people and the more I trust God. God is the only One who has never hurt me or let me down. Yes, I’ve had hard times and experienced loss, but God was always with me and even used the difficult events to grow my faith and make me a stronger person. We can realize that God alone is trustworthy without becoming cynical toward mankind however. So how do we learn to trust again, even if the person we want to trust has hurt us before?

Before trust comes forgiveness. Now that may be even harder for us to deal with. Who doesn’t like to nurse a wound or hold a grudge? We somehow feel that we are getting even by doing this. Why in the world would Jesus tell us over and over in scripture to forgive others? That we must forgive others?

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

Mark 11:25Mark 11:25
English: Contemporary English Version (1999) - CEV
25-²⁶ . Whenever you stand up to pray, you must forgive what others have done to you. Then your Father in heaven will forgive your sins. x your sins: Some manuscripts add, “But if you do not forgive others, God will not forgive you.”

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First and foremost, no one person’s infractions against us can measure up to our lifetime of sin against God. How dare we gladly receive His forgiveness only to withhold our forgiveness to an individual.

It goes much deeper than that also. God has not given us a list of rules to go by just to make our lives difficult. He created us. He knows exactly what makes us tick. he knows exactly what is good for us and what will harm us in the long run. As a loving Father, He sets guidelines for our own protection. When He commands us to forgive, He is in effect freeing us from the bondage that an unforgiving attitude has over us. As long as we harbor resentment and hatred toward someone, that person has control over us. By forgiving them, we are freeing our spirits from their control.
What if that person doesn’t ask our forgiveness? Sorry, but that is no ticket out. It would be nice if they would, but God tells us to forgive, period. Even if they never admit wrong and never ask. Is it easy to do? Not hardly. And we may have to pray everyday telling God that we are choosing to forgive that person until finally it sticks and becomes real.

Now back to trust. Scripture tells us to trust God and not to rely on man. God knows man will always fail us. Trust that has been destroyed can only be gained back over time and only as that person proves himself trustworthy over time. It is possible to trust again but we probably won’t do so blindly. And trust will never come again until we have found it within our hearts to forgive. With forgiveness comes great freedom, and with freedom comes choices, and one of the greatest of those is to trust again.

Sometimes I am amused by the dictionary. Merriam-Webster Online’s entry for repentance is humorous for not being very helpful in illuminating the noun’s meaning: the action or process of repenting, especially for misdeeds or moral shortcomings. It always seems odd to give the definition of a word by using a variant of the same word. The online dictionary does somewhat heal this rupture in my dictionary-browsing expectations by providing a clever link to “repenting”: to turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one’s life; to feel regret or contrition; to change one’s mind.

Repentance is a big deal. It’s presence in scripture spans both Old and New Testaments with much repetition. It would seem God is very interested in us understanding how we should respond to our sin. As we will briefly see, feeling bad – living with a sense of guilt – is not what is meant by repentance. And ignoring our sin is certainly not repentance. Let’s look at some specific examples, collected with the aide of blueletterbible.org:

Repent, all of you who ignore me, or I will tear you apart, and no one will help you.

Psalm 50:22Psalm 50:22
English: Contemporary English Version (1999) - CEV
22 You have ignored me! So pay close attention or I will tear you apart, and no one can help you.

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“Repent” in this verse is pulled from the Hebrew phrase biyn…pen, “consider…or else…”. Biyn has a range of meaning covering to consider, discern, acknowledge and pay careful heed. We see here a use of repentance that is focused on carefully considering our actions and motivations in light of God’s wisdom and revealed character. We also see the seriousness with which God expresses our need for repentance.

Perhaps the people of Judah will repent if they see in writing all the terrible things I have planned for them. Then I will be able to forgive their sins and wrongdoings.

Jeremiah 36:3Jeremiah 36:3
English: Contemporary English Version (1999) - CEV
3 then read it to the people of Judah. Maybe they will stop sinning when they hear what terrible things I plan for them. And if they turn to me, I will forgive them.”

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Jeremiah 36:3Jeremiah 36:3
English: Contemporary English Version (1999) - CEV
3 then read it to the people of Judah. Maybe they will stop sinning when they hear what terrible things I plan for them. And if they turn to me, I will forgive them.”

WP-Bible plugin combines Hebrew shama, to hear, perceive, attend to, regard and obey with shuwb, to turn back, to turn away. This further shows us that beyond just considering our actions, we are to pay careful attention to God’s voice and respond by turning away from what he has identified as opposed to his will and person. And from the lips of Jesus:

The people of Nineveh will rise up against this generation on judgment day and condemn it, because they repented at the preaching of Jonah. And now someone greater than Jonah is here–and you refuse to repent.

Matthew 12:41Matthew 12:41
English: Contemporary English Version (1999) - CEV
41 . On the day of judgment the people of Nineveh m Nineveh: During the time of Jonah this city was the capital of the Assyrian Empire, which was Israel's worst enemy. But Jonah was sent there to preach, so that the people would turn to the Lord and be saved. will stand there with you and condemn you. They turned to God when Jonah preached, and yet here is something far greater than Jonah.

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Here we find metanoeo, a Greek word with the idea of withdrawing, turning away. It has in it the concept of mental direction, of changing one’s mind. A noun form of this word is used in 2 Peter 3:92 Peter 3:9
English: Contemporary English Version (1999) - CEV
9 The Lord isn't slow about keeping his promises, as some people think he is. In fact, God is patient, because he wants everyone to turn from sin and no one to be lost.

WP-Bible plugin, meaning something like, “an intention to change based on recognition of past sin and moral failure”.

The idea of “repent” has a heavy element of careful consideration, of deep thought. But it is thought that changes our behavior, that makes us withdraw from what is offensive and contrary.  It is a move of the will away from what God had declared harmful towards what God had declared beautiful and noble. Ask yourself the following:

• When you fail, do you apologize to assuage guilt, or do you repent the way the Bible describes it?
• When relationships fail, do your thoughts bring you to a place where you are willing to change your behavior to restore them?
• Is your love strong enough to make you give up your comfort and pride?
• Are you thankful for God’s patience and fatherly care and correction?

Read Romans 12:9-21Romans 12:9-21
English: Contemporary English Version (1999) - CEV
Rules for Christian Living ⁹ Be sincere in your love for others. Hate everything that is evil and hold tight to everything that is good. ¹⁰ Love each other as brothers and sisters and honor others more than you do yourself. ¹¹ Never give up. Eagerly follow the Holy Spirit and serve the Lord. ¹² Let your hope make you glad. Be patient in time of trouble and never stop praying. ¹³ Take care of God's needy people and welcome strangers into your home. ¹⁴ ; . Ask God to bless everyone who mistreats you. Ask him to bless them and not to curse them. ¹⁵ . When others are happy, be happy with them, and when they are sad, be sad. ¹⁶ . Be friendly with everyone. Don't be proud and feel that you are smarter than others. Make friends with ordinary people. v Make friends with ordinary people: Or “Do ordinary jobs.” ¹⁷ Don't mistreat someone who has mistreated you. But try to earn the respect of others, ¹⁸ and do your best to live at peace with everyone. ¹⁹ . Dear friends, don't try to get even. Let God take revenge. In the Scriptures the Lord says, “I am the one to take revenge and pay them back.” ²⁰ The Scriptures also say, “If your enemies are hungry, give them something to eat. And if they are thirsty, give them something to drink. This will be the same as piling burning coals on their heads.” ²¹ Don't let evil defeat you, but defeat evil with good.

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Love isn’t always simple.  Relationships, both romantic and platonic, can sometimes take on the characteristics of a playground, while at other times they more closely resemble a battleground.  The way the individuals in those relationships treat and respond to one another has a huge bearing on which venue is being occupied at any given moment.  That is why it is imperative that we heed the sobering words of Romans 12:18Romans 12:18
English: Contemporary English Version (1999) - CEV
18 and do your best to live at peace with everyone.

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“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

In each and every relationship you are a part of, you have a direct mandate from God to do everything in your power to keep the peace.  There is no relationship that you are in where you are exempt or “off the hook” from doing all that is humanly possible to keep things harmonious.  As the verse says, “As far as it depends on you…”

Our tendency, however,  is to hold a truckload of expectations over the head of the other party in any given relationship to make things peaceable for us!  Because of our selfish, sinful natures, we easily get caught in the trap of thinking when conflict arises in a relationship, it is the other person’s duty to come to us first. ” I mean after all, haven’t they read they’re supposed to do everything in their power to live in peace with me?”  Well, the truth is, no one is perfect, no not even you.  We all make mistakes and we all must live in keen awareness of our fallibility.  We must remain humble and apologize when we do wrong.  We must also be quick to forgive others when they wrong us.  After all, the Lord’s Prayer reminds us that mercy will be measured to us in the same manner that we offer it to others!  (Matthew 6:12Matthew 6:12
English: Contemporary English Version (1999) - CEV
12 Forgive us for doing wrong, as we forgive others.

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However, in the course of this life, there are times when we forget or ignore our call to live in peace, and things go awry.  Then we must do what is necessary to restore peace.  If both parties in a relationship apply Romans 12:8Romans 12:8
English: Contemporary English Version (1999) - CEV
8 If we can encourage others, we should encourage them. If we can give, we should be generous. If we are leaders, we should do our best. If we are good to others, we should do it cheerfully.

WP-Bible plugin, things should be resolved quickly.  But, unfortunately, circumstances sometimes do arise, where one or both parties are unwilling to take the initiative to seek and offer forgiveness…even among Christians. This grieves God’s heart.

So, to be blunt, if you are in a relationship where bitterness or division exists, stop waiting for the other person to come crawling to you.  Go to them!  And, if they have already come to you, and you haven’t already done so, forgive them!  That is your part in “living at peace with everyone.”  (You may not be able to humanly forget what happened, but with God’s help, you can forgive!)  If you have already gone to someone and sincerely asked for forgiveness, but they are unwilling to forgive and resolve the matter, don’t lose another night’s sleep! You have done what God has asked you to do by humbling yourself and going to them to reconcile.  You cannot be responsible for how the other person responds.  Continue to pray for them and for God to bring peace and resolution to the matter, however.  And, should God bring about a change of heart in them, be ever ready to accept their forgiveness and offer it in return, no matter how much time goes by.

Jesus died on the cross as a symbol of eternal peace-keeping between God and man.  There was nothing He wasn’t willing to do to make amends, despite the fact He had done nothing wrong to us.  As always, we are to follow His example.  If Christ can forgive us for all the rejection and betrayal and disrespect and disloyalty and disobedience and defiance we’ve shown to Him, on what grounds can we justify not doing the same for others?

God is the Heart-Knower and Heart-Changer.  Only He has the power to move you toward peace, and only He can move the other person in the same direction.  Make sure your heart is not resistant to God’s prompting and leading in your life, and trust Him to do the same for all those whom you are blessed to be in relationship with as well.

Remain humble, proactive, and in a state of prayer.  And, if you have done all that you can to live in peace with everyone, leave the rest in God’s hands and sleep well.

I have a tendency to say, “I’m sorry.” A lot. Most of the time for little things, like inattention to the ramifications of small actions, or failure to keep my eye on the calendar. But this tendency to say, “I’m sorry” is not always the same thing as seeking forgiveness. sometimes it is an attempt to avoid responsibility, to be “let off the hook”. This is essentially a recognition that you have hurt someone without an intention to change.

We need to move from feelings of remorse to words and actions that seek forgiveness!

So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness. We are not living in the truth. But if we are living in the light of God’s presence, just as Christ is, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from every sin.

If we say we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and refusing to accept the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong. If we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar and showing that his word has no place in our hearts.

1 John 1:6-101 John 1:6-10
English: Contemporary English Version (1999) - CEV
6 If we say that we share in life with God and keep on living in the dark, we are lying and are not living by the truth. ⁷ But if we live in the light, as God does, we share in life with each other. And the blood of his Son Jesus washes all our sins away. ⁸ If we say that we have not sinned, we are fooling ourselves, and the truth isn't in our hearts. ⁹ But if we confess our sins to God, he can always be trusted to forgive us and take our sins away. ¹⁰ If we say that we have not sinned, we make God a liar, and his message isn't in our hearts. b and his message isn't in our hearts: Or “because we have not accepted his message.”

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A good place to begin is realizing that we all sin. With the Spirit in our hearts, we feel a compulsion to change, to do something to address the issue. We can dull our senses to this, but if we are going to follow Christ, we need to pay close attention. Sin is serious business. It hinders our relationship with God, affecting our ability to be forgiven. Sin can devastate relationships, especially when it is allowed to grow unchecked.

So we all sin. But why seek forgiveness? Why not just realize we are sinners and move on? We don’t need to actually make others aware of our sin, right? This kind of attitude is contrary to the heart of God. The sacrifice you want is a broken spirit. A broken and repentant heart, O God, you will not despise (Psalm 51:17Psalm 51:17
English: Contemporary English Version (1999) - CEV
17 The way to please you is to feel sorrow deep in our hearts. This is the kind of sacrifice you won't refuse.

WP-Bible plugin). Psalm 51 is one of the best examples of a man moved by the weight of his own sin. David cries out to God, having already confessed to Nathan.

Let’s look at some reasons to seek forgiveness:

• Often sin is pointed out to us. Denial is the wrong response. Admission and seeking forgiveness show that we recognize that we ave harmed another by our words or actions.
• Seeking forgiveness shows we are humble and aware of our imperfection.
• Seeking forgiveness shows that God is at work in our hearts – changing us.

Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight (Psalm 51:4Psalm 51:4
English: Contemporary English Version (1999) - CEV
4 . You are really the one I have sinned against; I have disobeyed you and have done wrong. So it is right and fair for you to correct and punish me.

WP-Bible plugin). We hurt others. We sin against God. For both we need to ask forgiveness. While our actions and words have a weight and impact on others, they are not the only grieved party. God is moved by our sin because it goes against his nature and harms his children. When we ask for forgiveness from those we have hurt, without asking for forgiveness from God, we short-change our ability to truly stop the sin we asked forgiveness for.

But sometimes it seems easier to ask God for forgiveness and leave it at that. We just assume the other party will get over it. Or we avoid dealing with it because we know it will be difficult. This approach seems easier, less difficult. But to be honest, if we ask forgiveness from God without seeking it from those we have hurt, our request to God was probably a sham. We are probably taking advantage of a false-image of God we have constructed, a view of God that belittles him and what he has done for us.

Forgiveness is a good starting place as we try to restore severed relationships. We can’t get much further if we are not willing to accept that we have sinned. We can’t move to repentance. We can’t restore trust. Without forgiveness, we often shackle ourselves and those we have harmed together – unable to forget, unable to move on.

Today, ask God to reveal if there is someone who you need to seek forgiveness from. Have you been short and demanding? Have you acted out of arrogance, wounding someone in the process? Have you lied to someone, violating trust? Whatever it is, offer it to God and consider how he can use it. Then seek out the person and be real with them about your failure.

My hands have made both heaven and earth, and they are mine. I, the LORD, have spoken! “I will bless those who have humble and contrite hearts, who tremble at my word.

Isaiah 66:2Isaiah 66:2
English: Contemporary English Version (1999) - CEV
2 I have made everything; that's how it all came to be. v that's ... be: One possible meaning for the difficult Hebrew text. I, the Lord, have spoken. The people I treasure most are the humble— they depend only on me and tremble when I speak.

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Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.

Colossians 3:12-15Colossians 3:12-15
English: Contemporary English Version (1999) - CEV
12 . God loves you and has chosen you as his own special people. So be gentle, kind, humble, meek, and patient. ¹³ . Put up with each other, and forgive anyone who does you wrong, just as Christ has forgiven you. ¹⁴ Love is more important than anything else. It is what ties everything completely together. ¹⁵ Each one of you is part of the body of Christ, and you were chosen to live together in peace. So let the peace that comes from Christ control your thoughts. And be grateful.

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I probably don’t need to remind you, but relationships can be messy business. Spouses argue, whether it’s because there is actually a difference of opinion or one or both is in a bad mood. Friends misunderstand each others intentions, or become jealous of time spent with others. Sometimes, friends just do things to each other out of selfishness. Family members conflict over every little thing; sometimes proximity over time, sometimes out of their stage in life (teenagers rebelling, toddlers testing boundaries, etc.)

If you go to your nearest bookstore, you will find a book for every opinion on the best way to deal with relationship stress, relationship breakdown. You may have heard some of the ideas that are often suggested. Be transparent, allowing others to see your fragility: don’t wear a mask of strength and perfection. Don’t be needy. Be honest. Lie. Seek forgiveness, taking the initiative to restore the relationship. Be positive and encouraging, never critical. Some of the ideas you will find deserve a lot of thought, consideration and application. Others just miss the point – or are flat out dangerous.

Why do we get into so much relationship trouble in the first place? Is it because we go looking for it? Maybe, sometimes. But often, it is simply because we expect too much. We expect a standard of behavior that we ourselves can’t meet. We expect a measure of availability that we ourselves don’t live up to. We expect perfection. The slightest failure can be treated like the height of betrayal. Any omission, forgetfulness or distraction can be treated as a lack of care, a slap in the face.

Make allowance for each other’s faults. It is a simple truth. If you have expectations that are intolerant of other’s mistakes, then you need to reconsider your expectations. If failures are tallied and recorded so as not to be forgotten – or forgiven – you need to spend some time thinking about the depths of God’s forgiveness to you. This is how we want others to treat us, isn’t it? We want them to see past our mistakes.

Recognizing that it is unrealistic for us to expect perfection is not the same thing as “lowering the bar”, or giving trust without wisdom. It means we allow others to be real, letting them make mistakes and offering forgiveness quickly. This is the kind of heart that we have been given through the Holy Spirit’s work within us.

Before we can begin to look at forgiving, trusting, and breaking down barriers – all that goes into mending relationships – we must begin with giving each other room to make mistakes. Call it an “umbrella of grace”, or whatever you like. This is the kind of love generates peace and harmony; that shows the world you mean business.